Whatever you want to call me......

I sit here, with my tea, starting this blog with no real intention. Just that I have to write. My week has been shit. It feels like I’m trying to swim however the strong current has other ideas. University started four weeks ago, and up until that point my life was rosy, bliss, organised and structured. Then all of a sudden, like every bloody semester it blows up in my face.

Im sick, but just not a normal head cold, no a “full blown” sickness. You know the ones that make you question everything in your life? My daughter’s health is twisting and turning causing my stomach to knot up.  Are we off track? Are we sick because of everything going on? Sometimes I wish I was normal and just take my sickness as what it is, but instead I look for bigger answers like what is out of line in my life to cause this or what is the universe trying to tell me. As one of my followers whom I am yet to bump into says “Jess, you are such a hippy.”

Am I a hippy?

Well I’ve never really thought about it. I do things I guess that may appear hippy to others, but I definitely don’t have dreads and smoke weed all day (not that that defines a hippy, no judgement intended). I just do what my spirit calls me to do and feel. I just am. I question the bigger picture every day, and avoid small talk. I accept that I am stand-offish in social settings, but it’s because I feel odd and different.

So anyway, back to my week, I’ll get to the hippy part again. Everything has gone wrong, sure there’s been great things that have happened, but this week has just been turmoil. I questioned my parenting skills, my marriage, my own self. I felt like university is just a waste of time and selfish on the family. It was like my unconscious ego was trying to destroy every ounce of what made me… “me”. Today, my husband rings me broken down on the side of the road. I grabbed the kids, still in our p.j’s and hair like we touched a live wire and piled us all in the car. As I drove him to work, he was stressed and worried. But I wasn’t. I just chatted with him and sang music with the kids. “It will be alright” I said as he ran into work. I ignored the situation got the kids ready for school.

And then it happened, I went to get a blood test (cause remember I feel like I’m dying). I sat in the seat and engaged in “small talk” with the pathologist. She stuck the needle in my arm, and the most excruciating pain shot through me.
“Oh, I’ve hit a nerve, not a vein” she exclaimed. “I am so sorry, its bruised straight away, I have to try the other arm.”. She looked embarrassed, upset and very sorry. I looked to her and said,
“It is ok, things happen, and to be honest, the way my weeks going I should’ve warned you that this would happen.” I assured her it was ok, and it was just a mistake. Ok deep down I wanted to cry, and grab my arm and let her be the final straw to my week. I wanted to yell at her, but I didn’t. Why ruin her day, even her week for a simple mistake?  

I walked out, decision made that this week can seriously piss off, and opened my phone. There’s a message “how do you do it? Being a mum, working and study.” As I held my arm, the thoughts of my husband’s car, my arm, my workload, my university load all overwhelmed me and tears pierced my eyes. I started to write, DON’T DO IT…BACK OFF NOW, then I stopped, sat in the car seat and read the message over and over. It put everything back into perspective for me. I smiled and replied:

“Ok it's hard. I won't lie. There are days (like today) that I question everything and I want to give up. I feel like I'm a shit mum EVERYDAY. I feel like I'm a shit wife. I feel like I am failing. But when Aaleah looks at me and says Mum why are you sad? I tell her I don't know if I can do uni anymore, she says “c’mon Mum you have to”. It's those moments that keep me going. It's the setting example to myself and children that you can do whatever you want to do. I cry. A lot. My escape is the gym and yoga. Being sick this week has taken that escape away so everything feels 10x worse then what it is. I have two kids full time, and work is always there. I question it all...but that's my own head always seeking the truth and bigger picture. I rely on you and others to motivate me and remind me the reasons why. Follow your heart. Don't be afraid. If it's what you want it will "just" work. There will be days like I'm experiencing but you learn to laugh and accept that it's not forever. I'll help you in any way possible. You can do it."

Yea you know what, I am a bloody hippy. I seek answers where there are no answers. I light candles, my house is full of plants, I do yoga, I burn sage, I wear crystals for whatever reason. But you know what I am not? Someone who will let this week’s events kill my dream, I won’t let a broken-down car define me, or shower handles that fall off in my hand as the hot water burns my skin. I won’t punish a young pathologist for making a mistake.  My illness is here to test the fact that I am a fighter, that I can do anything I put my bloody mind to. I am teaching two young kids how to be warriors not worriers. To make me reassess who enters my life and how I spend my time. If you ever feel like breaking down, if you ever feel like running away, remember we are all in this shit together. There will be days and weeks that test us, but just keep going. YOU'VE GOT THIS.

Ok seriously enough hippy talk…I need to go to bed and get better, cause this fighter isn’t giving up just yet xxxx